I have had a somewhat challenging first trimester but nothing compared to the first time. I was much more tired this time around and don't you know people love to point out how I am "much older" than I was with Q. Well, all of these people can suck it really. It is like telling me I am "much fatter" this time around. It has been 9 years since I was pregnant with Q and 8 since I gave birth. I don't feel "much" older, I feel more grown. I am more in tune with my body, I can practically tell when my uterus is making space for the baby. Last time it was vomit- and that was all I remember for the first three months.
I'm totally cranky. I have the pregnancy bitchiness and you know in your twenties I think you mainly keep that to yourself, or I think I did. I didn't want to be seen as moody or irrational, god forbid unstable. But this time is different, I have no guards up. I am free to be myself. Besides, I can feel it come on like I match. I know exactly what triggers it and so (it seems) do others. Ha ha, no really. Is 32 old now-a-days? What is with that? Again, one of my triggers because I feel young. I feel really fresh and excited, I feel wise yet still wide eyed and not jaded in the least but it seems as though some folks may want me to be? Or is it in my head? Well, it's not anymore... I've come to find in your twenties people (or shall I say, older people) make you feel you are too young for everything. I was told I was too young to get married and too young to have a child. It was as though I was doing all of these things I was "too young" for and now, what's this? too old? I sure don't feel too old, I definitely don't look it. I have very good genes.
So onto Quattro. He said the sweetest, if not saddest thing, I have ever heard the other day. He said "what if everyone forgets about me?" and then there was a really long pause- from both of us.
Ugh, it is still sad to me. I wasn't exactly caught off guard and however bad I was feeling inside, I was actually glad he asked. I was so relieved, I think. He was comfortable enough with his fear to talk about it. So many grown ups won't talk about their fears- not to mention kids. They usually just act out, right? Or internalize it all, only to open the flood gates when they are much older. It may be one of my most selfish acts but I hope I can be the one my child bounces his fears off of. I hope with Eddie and myself he becomes his true self and not this image of what he thinks he should be. That's important more so than what he wants to do when he grows up, or what kind of grades he gets- if he chooses to go to college or not.
But that is another blog in itself.
Anyway, back to Q.
It took me a minute to respond because I was pretty sure I was having one of "those" moments. The one your child reminds you of when they are grown. I wanted to say something that he would remember as being smart, fair even but really I wanted him to know I was honest with him, as he was being with me.
So I took him back to when I was pregnant with him and how important my life with Eddie was. I told him I traveled constantly, packed a bag on a moments notice and hopped on a plane, how I went to loud rock shows most nights and stayed up late. I told him I was happily in love with my life and I wanted nothing to change, I just wanted to add to it. We just wanted to add to it. Eddie wanted the same as I did. He didn't want to change his ways, he didn't want to cut back on touring (ie, cut back on money), he didn't want to drive a mini van but most of all we didn't want to compromise our spontaneity. That was our bond from the second we met- we eloped, it's in our blood.
Where was I? See this is another "side-effect", I am all over the map. It took me a week to wash, dry, fold and put away ONE load of laundry. My mind is currently on strike.
So that's what I did, I took Quattro back into that time of when my life(style) with Eddie was the most important thing and no matter how much he would add to our lives, we wanted him to fit into it, we didn't want to rearrange it for him. I had a real innate fear of finally appreciating myself and my life as an adult, then suddenly changing because of a baby. I went into it knowing that I wanted to raise my child as myself, not this "parent" person I changed into. And I'm happy (and real f'n proud) that that is our reality. He didn't rearrange our lives, he brought so much more to it but the basics are all the same. The loud rock shows have him sitting there on the side of the stage, with the same headphones he wore when he was an infant. My late nights are sometimes accompanied by him either watching a movie, snacking or sometimes just reading in the same bed together. I still was able to pack him up and fly him across the world, Paris, Australia, Montreal- where ever it was that we needed to catch up with Eddie. And it is still always a need. We need to be together whether it is planned or not. Whether it is something we saved our money up for, or spent half the rent on, we're there.
I truly believe that regret comes from looking back on the things you didn't do, not so much what you did do. Fortunately I figured that out pretty early on.
Alright, wow, that was totally long winded.
I am nearing the end of my first trimester and I can't wait to finally meet my doctor!!
I can barely believe they would let a pregnant women go through the worst part all by herself but I guess they figure I am an old pro. It is at the same office I was in with Q, unfortunately not the same OBGYN, but I'll get over that. My doctors name is Dr. White and in my next post I'll tell you all about her. I'll have some news on my edema that has been killing me lately. Waking up with swollen hands and all of that. My BP has been normally low, 92/50 today. Q and I walk down to Bartells quite often to take it, or whenever we are at the market. He has higher BP than I do!
Take care everyone and thanks for reading.
JD
